I am not one for New Year’s Resolutions. Why put that much pressure on yourself?? But, I did make a conscious decision to put my feelings, wants, desires, and needs first on my priority list. As a chronic people pleaser and “do gooder”, doing the right thing is important to me. Being a “good” person, someone with pride and honor was instilled in me from a very young age. Thanks to Christianity and southern baptist roots, I was taught to always behave as if someone is watching.
Unfortunately for me, this led to chronic perfectionism, something that I still deal with to this day. In an effort to counter this conditioning, I came up with the plan to disappoint others and put me first. Now, this doesn’t mean I planned to go around stealing, committing crimes and becoming a delinquent (picture me laughing maniacally). This means my happiness, my wants, needs and desires move up in line.
The First Step
To make this work, I knew I had to start small. Something I thought to myself, “what is harmless, has viability and can be easily implemented, repeatability”? I know! I will start by leaving at least one typo in all my email correspondences. Come on, don’t make that face, if you know, you know. There are people that read and re-read every email obsessively. Then there are those people that type it, and hit send without a second glance. Me being the first person, I felt leaving one typo was a good start.
Time For An Upgrade
Next, I decided to graduate to something more active and in person. If someone skipped me in line, I would say, “excuse me, I was actually next”. Or if my order was incorrect, I wouldn’t scurry off in shame, I would ask the cashier to remake the order. All of this with a smile of course!
One time I waited in line for a pre-ordered sandwich for an hour. My lunch hour was almost over so I asked if they could do anything for my inconvenience? I walked out with a free sandwich! Using my voice and having an open conversation gets you far in life.
Building Steam
After a few weeks of this, something very impactful changed inside me. My self-esteem actually increased. I found myself feeling more confidence when writing my emails, even with the typos. While paying for goods or services I remembered I was a paying customer and I was not being an inconvenience when wanting to receive what I actually paid for. But most importantly, the BIGGEST revolution of it all, I realized that the world did NOT end when I made a mistake or when I spoke up for myself.
The Best Tip Of Them All
Speaking my mind and standing up for myself has to be the best tip out of all and we are only at number four. Not being afraid to speak up has been great for all aspects of my life. It has given me the strength to cancel those pesky subscriptions I don’t need, ask for corrections on my bill if I see overages, notify service providers if my service was less than satisfactory and claim what I want for myself and not save it for others.
No more declining a glass of water when I am in fact thirsty. All in the name of being polite? If I am at an open house and there are refreshments, I am grabbing one, or two! Why not? If I am offered a treat or favor, I will no longer decline, the current response moving forward is, I don’t mind if I do!
Shameless Plug
Ask and ye shall receive. This has been the funnest and most liberating way I silenced the people pleaser in me. I started doing the unexpected and asking for the unexpected. How can one do the unexpected. I might go into a store looking for shoes. Instead of purchasing my shoes and walking out, I stop by the perfume counter and ask for a sample.
Another example, I might stop by a random luxury car dealership and do a test drive. This is “mixing” up the universe. Doing so helps me experience new things, open my horizon, meet new people and build my confidence to enjoy life. A great example of asking for the unexpected is sparking conversation and learning about the “possibilities”. Is there a sale going on, are there any complimentary items, what is this what is that? Being curious has afforded me many opportunities the people pleaser would have missed out on.
The Final Results
This exercise has been very helpful for both my mental health, stress levels and anxiety. Learning to use my voice, speak up for myself and advocating for my best interest has been a journey. Silencing the people pleaser inside me has increased my quality of life and taught me so much about myself.
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